Apply today
Book a tour
Support our school
As a parent myself, I experienced anxiety (…and frustration!) at times when each of my four kids was in elementary school. Often this was the result of a child on “cruise control” or having so much “fun” that he or she just plain forgot to do their homework or finish an assignment. Those evenings could sometimes be filled with stress and anxiety for me (!), while the child in question who was “facing the music” seemed blissfully unaffected. Sound familiar?
Thankfully, these occasions were rare and I soon decided that I could not sustain the level of energy required to do my job and theirs, too. As the old ‘50s comic strip dad says when his child holds out his homework looking for help, “Look… Daddy puts clothes on your back, a roof over your head, and food on the table. The rest is up to you!” I still have that comic somewhere and it always makes me chuckle. I think I may even have used it on one of my kids from time to time.
As we begin our year together with the end in mind, let us as the adults agree that, in most cases, the effort and accountability of our kids’ schoolwork is theirs to own. If we agree that our task is raising future adults and not future children, the reasons for this should be clear, especially as our children advance from year to year. Certainly our littlest students need supports and structures that build the “scaffold of learning”; but by the time they have reached the age of reason (…say 7 plus or minus 1), they are well on their way to taking responsibility for their own learning by employing what Toronto-based clinical psychologist, Dr. Alex Russell, calls adaptive anxiety.
The heart of his message is that children learn through the experience of non-catastrophic failure. According to Dr. Russell, “…it is through the process of such failures that children mature into resilient, resourceful and emotionally balanced individuals. Parents should see failing, whether it’s a test, a course, or a tryout for a team, as a normal part of growing up and not a sign of parental incompetence.”
Dr. Russell asks us as parents to “drop the worry ball” on behalf of our kids and gradually let our children carry “the ball” for themselves. If our kids do not have the opportunity to develop adaptive anxiety (i.e., learn to carry their own “worry ball”), they will not develop the resilience and the skills to manage their own responsibilities – critical to their success in high school and beyond.
How can we try this? It might mean easing back on monitoring their study time, not checking homework as regularly, or not requesting extra review packages for our child.
While it might get worse before it gets better, with the right level of emotional support, our children will have the opportunity to get anxious on their own behalf.
Click here to read more from Dr. Alex Russell about how to learn to Drop the Worry Ball!
As we begin the year together, let’s agree that our kids can do it and so can we.
Play ball!
Ric Anderson, Head of School